Torn

So right now, my love life is at a stand still and I'm trying to figure out if that makes me angry or not. Latham is gone. He hurt me. I know that he's a good person but I would often question his ability to care about anyone but himself. He has so many qualities I want in a person but then again has so many I don't. It was like he tried to sabotage what we had in order to not feel anything. I have a hard time understanding the nature of people and their own personal protection. Why do people shut out the people that truly adore them and keep the people around that treat them like shit? I am a victim of these actions. I kept Kyle around for 6 years and shut out my mom. It was wrong. I am trying to make it up to her. Kyle on the other hand is only focused on getting in my pants which unfortunately for him, will never happen. Last night, we spoke as friends and he told me about all the issues he's having with his new girlfriend that he hastily moved in with. I felt a sense of relief when hearing his misery. It was karma. Granted, she isn't cheating on him which is what I had secretly hoped for, but she is dealing with problems in the same way he used to do with me. I'm regressing though. Back to Latham. I am dreaming about him a lot. Despite my will to want him in my dreams, these dreams are unlike the ones I had with Branden. These dreams are filled with hurt. I need to convince myself that that means something and move on. But if I move on will I really just be moving back to thoughts of Branden?

Confused

It's been a long time since I've written you. I think that's because I met someone. For awhile he consumed a lot of my time making the memories of you become more and more faint. Recently you've come back into my thoughts. Why is that? I am happy seeing this guy. He makes me laugh again and I'm starting to be myself again. He's a good guy and I can see a future with him, but he's not you. I feel frustrated because I feel like he's falling into the category of all the males that I have taken care of. That's where you were different. That's why you always come back in my dreams. You're the only man that wanted to take care of me. This guy has potential but is in a selfish mindset right now....similar to how I was with you. I just don't know what to do...part of me has to admit that I am most definitely holding on for you. I know you don't want me though. Not like that. Friends, right? I wish it could be more. You make my heart race when I talk to you once every blue moon. Although confused I must be grateful for knowing what true love is. I love you.

Nothing Changes

So I find myself constantly reevaluating where I'm at in my life and the one thing that never changes is you.  So we talked the other day and I told you I wanted to erase you from my memory.  You didn't respond well.  I just think it would be easier.  You are right though, it's not fair.  You aren't trying to take the easy way out which I respect.  I'm not strong enough Branden.  I know a part of you still wants to be with me.  You are always dating girls that remind you of me.  Why are we wasting our lives not loving each other?  If I had you again I would never let you go.  I remember thinking that when we were at your house dancing to Babyface.  I can remember how your arms were positioned tightly around me.  I can remember the way you smelled and how you lightly hummed to the music in my ear.  I miss that.  I miss you.  Fall in love with me again.

Branden Scott

So I'm writing on here because I know that you will never see it.  I am so incredibly lonely without you.  I don't know how to get you back.  I literally dream and think about you constantly.  I feel like loving you is torture.  I can't catch my breath when I think of you and I nervously chew away at my lower lip wondering if you will ever come back.  I wish you would trust me.  I don't know how I am supposed to be with anyone else.  I keep trying to move on, but I can't.  My heart only wants you and no one else will compare.  Ugh, I'm so frustrated.  I know that I will be alone forever.  You will move on...you already have.  I am so happy for you that you are going to be a father and I want nothing but the best for you.  I go to sleep just so I can dream about you and feel you.  Why can't people who are meant to be together just be?  I know that some part of you still feels the same.  Please come back.  I just want to touch you.  I just want you to make me laugh.  I don't truly laugh about anything anymore....not like when I was with you.  I was stupid and young.  Please forgive me.  I need you, to be me.  

I had planned to show some "real" photos of my flaws to expose the real me which would have correlated with my previous posts. I'm not ready to do this though. Saying what I said in my post last night was a huge step for me. To me, that was like peeling off a layer of my former self.

Research

Final Project

So I feel like for this final project I want the class to really see me. It will be my onion/final project assignment and will incorporate my previous blog post. I want to show my flaws which will be a huge thing for me to do, especially to people that I have barely taken the time to know.