Monday, September 13, 2010
I don't know what to write. There are so many emotions going through my body. I'll write to you and hopefully someway you'll read this. I guess for the past few weeks I've tried to not think about this. There are so many questions constantly traveling through my mind and I can see you in ways I never imagined. He was 1 Branden. He was your life. I don't understand. You seemed fine on Sunday. I can't get your whistle out of my head. It's weird but I can relive those few minutes with you. I remember how your shirt felt when I hugged you. I remember your ribs ever so slightly poking out and me thinking you were losing weight. I remember you were tall and your little man was so small. I remember arguing with you about putting him in his car seat right. I remember watching you drive away and secretly hoping you were watching me too. You didn't come to me. You acted like I was the easiest person to talk to out of everyone you knew because I understood you. I remember skyping with you and you telling me I looked rough lol. I miss you so much. I miss your asshole ways of making me laugh. I miss your honesty. I miss your voice. I miss you saying, "You know me Mallory..." Did I play a part in this? Did what I did to you get you here? I have a horrible way of envisioning things. I think I am one of the few people that can create a situation in their mind in a non dream state. I can see your apartment. Everything is white. I can see you pacing and talking to yourself as tears roll down your cheeks. You are ashamed of what you did. You are lonely. You're drinking. I can see you setting it up. There is no furniture. Only the mattress that you said you had. And then nothing. I can't see you wrapping the rope around your neck. I only see you hanging. I know what it feels like to suffer inside. You know that. We got each other. So then why? Was it your pride? What? I would've been the last person to judge you. You should've called me. I should've called you. I won't let anyone touch my phone. I'm scared they will erase my last text from you. Your funeral was nice. It felt like people were looking at me though. Alana was the first person I spoke to. I went up to her and introduced myself and immediately we started hugging and crying. She was beautiful Branden. Exactly as you said. We didn't exchange many words. I became really disoriented and began shaking. I walked down the aisle and could barely look at you. I wanted to touch you but I got scared. I didn't want to feel you cold. I remember you in the parking lot and you were warm and the sun was beaming down on you as I looked up at you. I think that last meeting was supposed to happen. I don't think you planned this. But something wanted us to see each other one last time. I can't write anymore right now...my eyes are getting cloudy. Goodbye for now, I'll see you in my dreams.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
So right now, my love life is at a stand still and I'm trying to figure out if that makes me angry or not. Latham is gone. He hurt me. I know that he's a good person but I would often question his ability to care about anyone but himself. He has so many qualities I want in a person but then again has so many I don't. It was like he tried to sabotage what we had in order to not feel anything. I have a hard time understanding the nature of people and their own personal protection. Why do people shut out the people that truly adore them and keep the people around that treat them like shit? I am a victim of these actions. I kept Kyle around for 6 years and shut out my mom. It was wrong. I am trying to make it up to her. Kyle on the other hand is only focused on getting in my pants which unfortunately for him, will never happen. Last night, we spoke as friends and he told me about all the issues he's having with his new girlfriend that he hastily moved in with. I felt a sense of relief when hearing his misery. It was karma. Granted, she isn't cheating on him which is what I had secretly hoped for, but she is dealing with problems in the same way he used to do with me. I'm regressing though. Back to Latham. I am dreaming about him a lot. Despite my will to want him in my dreams, these dreams are unlike the ones I had with Branden. These dreams are filled with hurt. I need to convince myself that that means something and move on. But if I move on will I really just be moving back to thoughts of Branden?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
It's been a long time since I've written you. I think that's because I met someone. For awhile he consumed a lot of my time making the memories of you become more and more faint. Recently you've come back into my thoughts. Why is that? I am happy seeing this guy. He makes me laugh again and I'm starting to be myself again. He's a good guy and I can see a future with him, but he's not you. I feel frustrated because I feel like he's falling into the category of all the males that I have taken care of. That's where you were different. That's why you always come back in my dreams. You're the only man that wanted to take care of me. This guy has potential but is in a selfish mindset right now....similar to how I was with you. I just don't know what to do...part of me has to admit that I am most definitely holding on for you. I know you don't want me though. Not like that. Friends, right? I wish it could be more. You make my heart race when I talk to you once every blue moon. Although confused I must be grateful for knowing what true love is. I love you.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
So I find myself constantly reevaluating where I'm at in my life and the one thing that never changes is you. So we talked the other day and I told you I wanted to erase you from my memory. You didn't respond well. I just think it would be easier. You are right though, it's not fair. You aren't trying to take the easy way out which I respect. I'm not strong enough Branden. I know a part of you still wants to be with me. You are always dating girls that remind you of me. Why are we wasting our lives not loving each other? If I had you again I would never let you go. I remember thinking that when we were at your house dancing to Babyface. I can remember how your arms were positioned tightly around me. I can remember the way you smelled and how you lightly hummed to the music in my ear. I miss that. I miss you. Fall in love with me again.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
So I'm writing on here because I know that you will never see it. I am so incredibly lonely without you. I don't know how to get you back. I literally dream and think about you constantly. I feel like loving you is torture. I can't catch my breath when I think of you and I nervously chew away at my lower lip wondering if you will ever come back. I wish you would trust me. I don't know how I am supposed to be with anyone else. I keep trying to move on, but I can't. My heart only wants you and no one else will compare. Ugh, I'm so frustrated. I know that I will be alone forever. You will move on...you already have. I am so happy for you that you are going to be a father and I want nothing but the best for you. I go to sleep just so I can dream about you and feel you. Why can't people who are meant to be together just be? I know that some part of you still feels the same. Please come back. I just want to touch you. I just want you to make me laugh. I don't truly laugh about anything anymore....not like when I was with you. I was stupid and young. Please forgive me. I need you, to be me.
Monday, April 28, 2008
I had planned to show some "real" photos of my flaws to expose the real me which would have correlated with my previous posts. I'm not ready to do this though. Saying what I said in my post last night was a huge step for me. To me, that was like peeling off a layer of my former self.