Monday, September 13, 2010
I don't know what to write. There are so many emotions going through my body. I'll write to you and hopefully someway you'll read this. I guess for the past few weeks I've tried to not think about this. There are so many questions constantly traveling through my mind and I can see you in ways I never imagined. He was 1 Branden. He was your life. I don't understand. You seemed fine on Sunday. I can't get your whistle out of my head. It's weird but I can relive those few minutes with you. I remember how your shirt felt when I hugged you. I remember your ribs ever so slightly poking out and me thinking you were losing weight. I remember you were tall and your little man was so small. I remember arguing with you about putting him in his car seat right. I remember watching you drive away and secretly hoping you were watching me too. You didn't come to me. You acted like I was the easiest person to talk to out of everyone you knew because I understood you. I remember skyping with you and you telling me I looked rough lol. I miss you so much. I miss your asshole ways of making me laugh. I miss your honesty. I miss your voice. I miss you saying, "You know me Mallory..." Did I play a part in this? Did what I did to you get you here? I have a horrible way of envisioning things. I think I am one of the few people that can create a situation in their mind in a non dream state. I can see your apartment. Everything is white. I can see you pacing and talking to yourself as tears roll down your cheeks. You are ashamed of what you did. You are lonely. You're drinking. I can see you setting it up. There is no furniture. Only the mattress that you said you had. And then nothing. I can't see you wrapping the rope around your neck. I only see you hanging. I know what it feels like to suffer inside. You know that. We got each other. So then why? Was it your pride? What? I would've been the last person to judge you. You should've called me. I should've called you. I won't let anyone touch my phone. I'm scared they will erase my last text from you. Your funeral was nice. It felt like people were looking at me though. Alana was the first person I spoke to. I went up to her and introduced myself and immediately we started hugging and crying. She was beautiful Branden. Exactly as you said. We didn't exchange many words. I became really disoriented and began shaking. I walked down the aisle and could barely look at you. I wanted to touch you but I got scared. I didn't want to feel you cold. I remember you in the parking lot and you were warm and the sun was beaming down on you as I looked up at you. I think that last meeting was supposed to happen. I don't think you planned this. But something wanted us to see each other one last time. I can't write anymore right now...my eyes are getting cloudy. Goodbye for now, I'll see you in my dreams.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
So right now, my love life is at a stand still and I'm trying to figure out if that makes me angry or not. Latham is gone. He hurt me. I know that he's a good person but I would often question his ability to care about anyone but himself. He has so many qualities I want in a person but then again has so many I don't. It was like he tried to sabotage what we had in order to not feel anything. I have a hard time understanding the nature of people and their own personal protection. Why do people shut out the people that truly adore them and keep the people around that treat them like shit? I am a victim of these actions. I kept Kyle around for 6 years and shut out my mom. It was wrong. I am trying to make it up to her. Kyle on the other hand is only focused on getting in my pants which unfortunately for him, will never happen. Last night, we spoke as friends and he told me about all the issues he's having with his new girlfriend that he hastily moved in with. I felt a sense of relief when hearing his misery. It was karma. Granted, she isn't cheating on him which is what I had secretly hoped for, but she is dealing with problems in the same way he used to do with me. I'm regressing though. Back to Latham. I am dreaming about him a lot. Despite my will to want him in my dreams, these dreams are unlike the ones I had with Branden. These dreams are filled with hurt. I need to convince myself that that means something and move on. But if I move on will I really just be moving back to thoughts of Branden?