Wednesday, January 20, 2010
So right now, my love life is at a stand still and I'm trying to figure out if that makes me angry or not. Latham is gone. He hurt me. I know that he's a good person but I would often question his ability to care about anyone but himself. He has so many qualities I want in a person but then again has so many I don't. It was like he tried to sabotage what we had in order to not feel anything. I have a hard time understanding the nature of people and their own personal protection. Why do people shut out the people that truly adore them and keep the people around that treat them like shit? I am a victim of these actions. I kept Kyle around for 6 years and shut out my mom. It was wrong. I am trying to make it up to her. Kyle on the other hand is only focused on getting in my pants which unfortunately for him, will never happen. Last night, we spoke as friends and he told me about all the issues he's having with his new girlfriend that he hastily moved in with. I felt a sense of relief when hearing his misery. It was karma. Granted, she isn't cheating on him which is what I had secretly hoped for, but she is dealing with problems in the same way he used to do with me. I'm regressing though. Back to Latham. I am dreaming about him a lot. Despite my will to want him in my dreams, these dreams are unlike the ones I had with Branden. These dreams are filled with hurt. I need to convince myself that that means something and move on. But if I move on will I really just be moving back to thoughts of Branden?