Reality Check

Ok, so I don't even know where to begin. When Beth went through the list of assignments that we had done and I realized how much I had missed, I was angry at myself. Not until today though did things go full circle for me and did I finally give this class a chance. Pretty sad huh?? Anyway, today at work I was offended by something that a co-worker said to me and this is how I responded, "Well Marsha, I would be angry at the world too if I were as gigantic as you." At the time I thought I was being funny and felt like the "cool kid" because I made everyone laugh at her expense. I didn't start to feel bad until about 15 minutes ago when I was putting my youngest son asleep. I laid there and thought, what the fuck is your problem Mallory??? And then I realized that I've been doing this forever. I THINK I'M BETTER THAN OTHERS. This is the reason that I'm not getting to know people in my classes and why I reject new friendships. I'M A BITCH. When we were talking in class the other day and Beth talked about people not really talking, I knew that I was one of them. I am actually really talkative and couldn't put my finger on why I wasn't talking in class. Well, come to find out now that it was because of my superiority complex. I would always think, these kids in my classes don't know shit. They haven't been through what I've been through. I'm 24 and being in class with them is like babysitting my kids. I can't remember when I started acting like this. Maybe it was the years of private school or my constant obsession of having the finer things of life...who knows, but I'm ready to change. In our last class on the blazing hot rooftop deck, FREAK said something to me that really stood out. He looked at me and said, "you're pink and yellow." And for some odd reason I didn't question it and instead was finally proud to be something other than I had perceived myself to be.